1 00:00:00,711 --> 00:00:01,837 - hot in cleveland Is recorded 2 00:00:01,859 --> 00:00:03,912 In front of a live Studio audience. 3 00:00:03,935 --> 00:00:06,147 - oh, good, Joy, you're here. 4 00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:08,318 Would you mind Helping me for a second? 5 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:10,425 - sure. What do you want? 6 00:00:10,449 --> 00:00:12,245 - just raise your hand. 7 00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:14,119 Like you're The statue of liberty. 8 00:00:15,717 --> 00:00:17,035 Perfect. 9 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,271 Attack! 10 00:00:19,293 --> 00:00:20,548 - elka! 11 00:00:20,571 --> 00:00:21,728 - what's going on? 12 00:00:21,752 --> 00:00:23,102 - she's trying to get dummy To attack me 13 00:00:23,125 --> 00:00:25,209 Oh, that's not His name anymore. 14 00:00:25,232 --> 00:00:26,487 It's chance. 15 00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:28,019 Elka thought the name dummy Was holding him back. 16 00:00:28,042 --> 00:00:30,988 - why are you training him To attack people? 17 00:00:31,011 --> 00:00:35,139 - for church. 18 00:00:35,162 --> 00:00:36,799 - attendance has been down, 19 00:00:36,822 --> 00:00:38,300 So the pastor came up With this great idea 20 00:00:38,323 --> 00:00:39,801 To get people in the pews. 21 00:00:39,824 --> 00:00:41,525 Bible stories Told through pets. 22 00:00:41,548 --> 00:00:43,855 - chance is auditioning For david 23 00:00:43,879 --> 00:00:46,730 In "David and goliath." 24 00:00:46,753 --> 00:00:48,198 If you can't jump, 25 00:00:48,221 --> 00:00:50,881 They're just gonna make you Another sheep in the manger. 26 00:00:50,903 --> 00:00:52,413 - oh, give it up. 27 00:00:52,436 --> 00:00:53,563 You can't even Get him to sit. 28 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:55,861 - yes, I can. 29 00:00:55,884 --> 00:00:56,915 Sit. 30 00:00:56,938 --> 00:00:58,022 Sit. 31 00:01:00,673 --> 00:01:04,451 In the kitchen! Good boy! 32 00:01:04,473 --> 00:01:07,663 Start measuring him For wool. 33 00:01:08,879 --> 00:01:10,006 Hi, guys. 34 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,538 Yeah, I was just thinking. 35 00:01:11,561 --> 00:01:13,741 Isn't it great That we're the kind of friends 36 00:01:13,764 --> 00:01:15,370 Who can tell each other Anything? 37 00:01:15,393 --> 00:01:17,700 You know, without any judgment Or recriminations. 38 00:01:17,723 --> 00:01:20,670 Just love and... Forgiveness. 39 00:01:20,693 --> 00:01:23,257 - which one of us Should be nervous right now? 40 00:01:23,279 --> 00:01:25,620 Nobody, nobody. 41 00:01:25,642 --> 00:01:27,344 - what's going on? 42 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,419 - well, this is the weirdest Little story. 43 00:01:29,442 --> 00:01:31,558 Uh, but ten years ago, 44 00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,378 I was having A particularly bad day. 45 00:01:33,401 --> 00:01:35,103 You know, the kind of day That can only be cured 46 00:01:35,125 --> 00:01:37,752 With drinking and fan mail. 47 00:01:37,775 --> 00:01:40,626 And I happened upon This eloquently-written letter 48 00:01:40,649 --> 00:01:42,766 From a gentleman In a correctional facility. 49 00:01:42,788 --> 00:01:44,297 Well, he was such An earnest fan, 50 00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:45,575 I had to write him back. 51 00:01:45,598 --> 00:01:47,490 - you wrote to a prisoner? 52 00:01:47,513 --> 00:01:51,055 - well, gary prefers the term "Incarcerated american." 53 00:01:52,973 --> 00:01:55,089 But of course, I wasn't reckless enough 54 00:01:55,113 --> 00:01:56,270 To use my own name. 55 00:01:56,293 --> 00:01:57,836 - what name did you use? 56 00:01:57,859 --> 00:01:59,560 - well, this is the second Little wrinkle in the story 57 00:01:59,584 --> 00:02:00,964 Which, joy, I think you Are gonna find 58 00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:02,626 Particularly funny. 59 00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,285 - you used my name? 60 00:02:04,308 --> 00:02:06,010 - I pretended You were my assistant. 61 00:02:06,032 --> 00:02:08,053 - why would you do that? 62 00:02:08,076 --> 00:02:11,469 Joy would make A terrible assistant. 63 00:02:11,492 --> 00:02:13,193 - well, I figured It was safe. 64 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,502 - I mean, There wasn't a chance 65 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:15,620 They were gonna Parole this guy 66 00:02:15,643 --> 00:02:18,398 On account of his... Violent history. 67 00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:21,112 - violent... What violent history? 68 00:02:21,135 --> 00:02:24,337 - oh, something about Body parts and... Chopping. 69 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,242 Um, I kind of skimmed Over the segments 70 00:02:27,265 --> 00:02:29,510 That weren't about me, You know. 71 00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,297 - so this violent criminal 72 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,479 Thinks I'm his pen pal? 73 00:02:32,502 --> 00:02:33,437 - no, no, no. 74 00:02:33,460 --> 00:02:36,087 His pen lover. 75 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:38,929 But you broke it off After he proposed. 76 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,876 And then he got very angry And, you know, 77 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:41,930 Started saying, "Oh, if I ever get out of here, 78 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,707 I'm gonna Come get you, and..." 79 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,751 - so why are we Hearing this story now, 80 00:02:46,773 --> 00:02:48,857 Instead of never... Oh, my god! 81 00:02:48,881 --> 00:02:49,880 He escaped, didn't he? 82 00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:52,466 - no, no, It's nothing like that. 83 00:02:52,489 --> 00:02:55,213 He was just paroled Yesterday. 84 00:02:55,235 --> 00:02:57,288 Look, I never, ever thought 85 00:02:57,312 --> 00:02:58,438 That anything Like this would happen. 86 00:02:58,460 --> 00:03:01,216 Joy, I am So, so, so sorry. 87 00:03:01,238 --> 00:03:02,843 - we'll deal with us later. 88 00:03:02,866 --> 00:03:04,185 Right now, we have To figure out what do to 89 00:03:04,207 --> 00:03:06,356 About an ex-con Who chops up bodies 90 00:03:06,379 --> 00:03:07,538 And is coming here To get me. 91 00:03:07,561 --> 00:03:09,612 - how are we gonna Recognize him? 92 00:03:09,635 --> 00:03:10,634 I mean, do you know What he looks like? 93 00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,039 - well, I never asked For a photo. 94 00:03:12,062 --> 00:03:14,231 I didn't want him to think That joy was shallow. 95 00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:18,647 - does he know What I look like? 96 00:03:18,671 --> 00:03:19,734 - well, I might have sent him That picture of you 97 00:03:19,757 --> 00:03:21,235 From our trip To grand cayman. 98 00:03:21,258 --> 00:03:23,023 - you mean the one In the white bikini 99 00:03:23,046 --> 00:03:25,258 That showed everything When it got wet? 100 00:03:25,281 --> 00:03:26,599 - you should be flattered. 101 00:03:26,622 --> 00:03:28,855 It was a big hit With the whole cell block. 102 00:03:31,603 --> 00:03:34,932 Gary was having A very tough week. 103 00:03:34,955 --> 00:03:36,751 - you know, I always thought My son stole that picture, 104 00:03:36,774 --> 00:03:38,316 So this, actually, It's quite a relief. 105 00:03:38,339 --> 00:03:40,583 Not... Not a relief Right now, 106 00:03:40,606 --> 00:03:42,147 But... But for another time. 107 00:03:45,652 --> 00:03:47,864 - hello? 108 00:03:47,887 --> 00:03:49,364 Yes, joy's here. 109 00:03:49,387 --> 00:03:50,376 Who's calling? 110 00:03:53,314 --> 00:03:55,750 He hung up. 111 00:03:55,773 --> 00:03:57,986 - oh, my god, it's him! 112 00:03:58,008 --> 00:03:59,740 - even more than usual, 113 00:03:59,764 --> 00:04:01,773 I'm glad I'm not joy right now. 114 00:04:18,539 --> 00:04:21,198 - victoria! I thought I heard a noise. 115 00:04:21,221 --> 00:04:22,985 I almost maced you. 116 00:04:23,008 --> 00:04:25,732 - that's sunscreen. 117 00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:27,520 - oh, well, I thought It was my pepper spray. 118 00:04:27,543 --> 00:04:28,765 What did you think That was? 119 00:04:28,788 --> 00:04:30,776 - I knew it was A magnifying mirror. 120 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,373 Do you know Anything scarier? 121 00:04:32,395 --> 00:04:33,874 - wait, don't point That thing at me. 122 00:04:33,897 --> 00:04:35,885 Hey. 123 00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:37,163 - what's going on? 124 00:04:37,186 --> 00:04:38,716 Is everybody all right? 125 00:04:41,082 --> 00:04:43,644 - are you hunting wabbits? 126 00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,039 - it's a polish pellet gun. 127 00:04:46,063 --> 00:04:47,634 - what, does it Shoot backwards? 128 00:04:50,213 --> 00:04:52,903 - are you really Gonna make polish jokes 129 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,075 When I'm holding a gun? 130 00:04:55,098 --> 00:04:57,469 - look, I have An alarm guy 131 00:04:57,492 --> 00:04:58,970 Coming in the morning. 132 00:04:58,993 --> 00:05:00,597 We do not need any guns. 133 00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:03,663 Aah! 134 00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:05,697 - oh, my... 135 00:05:07,422 --> 00:05:09,283 Oh! My... My name is owen. 136 00:05:09,305 --> 00:05:10,943 I'm looking For my birth mother. 137 00:05:10,966 --> 00:05:12,765 Which one of you Is joy scroggs? 138 00:05:14,638 --> 00:05:15,913 - her. 139 00:05:21,248 --> 00:05:23,907 - elka's calling 911, And I brought some alcohol. 140 00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:25,790 - oh, right, to sterilize His wounds? 141 00:05:25,814 --> 00:05:28,588 - yeah. 142 00:05:30,985 --> 00:05:33,676 - thank god it's just Buckshot in the leg. 143 00:05:33,699 --> 00:05:34,922 He doesn't seem That badly hurt. 144 00:05:34,945 --> 00:05:36,167 - then why did he faint? 145 00:05:36,191 --> 00:05:38,466 - all the scroggs men faint At the sight of blood. 146 00:05:38,489 --> 00:05:40,989 One rare steak Can ruin a dinner party. 147 00:05:41,011 --> 00:05:42,362 He really is mine. 148 00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:43,351 - yeah, but when He wakes up, 149 00:05:43,374 --> 00:05:44,309 He's gonna think He's mine. 150 00:05:44,332 --> 00:05:45,587 Why did you say I was you? 151 00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,566 - obviously, joy's in shock, 152 00:05:47,589 --> 00:05:48,811 Or she would have chosen The superior actress 153 00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:51,717 For the role. 154 00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:52,740 - I panicked. 155 00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,271 Since I gave him up For adoption, 156 00:05:54,294 --> 00:05:56,091 I've dreamed of what Our reunion would be like 157 00:05:56,114 --> 00:05:57,369 A million different ways, 158 00:05:57,392 --> 00:05:59,306 None of which involved me Shooting him. 159 00:06:00,648 --> 00:06:02,541 Please just say You're me for a little while 160 00:06:02,564 --> 00:06:04,457 Until I can figure out How to explain all this. 161 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,894 - the ambulance Is on the way. 162 00:06:05,917 --> 00:06:08,447 How's he doing? - he's waking up. 163 00:06:08,470 --> 00:06:10,140 - I don't know how To do a british accent. 164 00:06:10,163 --> 00:06:11,195 - just talk like I do. 165 00:06:11,218 --> 00:06:14,440 - oh, this is a bad idea. 166 00:06:17,059 --> 00:06:18,463 'ello. 167 00:06:23,669 --> 00:06:26,361 'ow's me ol' son? 168 00:06:26,383 --> 00:06:28,978 - called it. 169 00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:30,446 - joy? 170 00:06:30,469 --> 00:06:32,523 - blimey! 171 00:06:32,545 --> 00:06:35,045 I wish I'd-a Known you were comin'. 172 00:06:35,068 --> 00:06:36,630 I'd-a put on a spot o' tea. 173 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,548 I call elevators "Lifts." 174 00:06:44,296 --> 00:06:48,455 What your mom is trying to say 175 00:06:48,478 --> 00:06:50,116 In her reserved English way is, 176 00:06:50,138 --> 00:06:53,788 "Gosh darn it, We're happy you're here." 177 00:06:53,811 --> 00:06:55,543 - then why did you shoot me? 178 00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:56,916 Perhaps I can be 179 00:06:56,939 --> 00:06:59,331 Of some assistance. 180 00:07:02,112 --> 00:07:05,377 We were under the impression That you were an ex-convict. 181 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,878 Terribly sorry. 182 00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:07,868 - who are you? 183 00:07:07,891 --> 00:07:12,434 - I'm lady winchester. 184 00:07:12,457 --> 00:07:14,051 - she's me mum. 185 00:07:15,874 --> 00:07:17,895 So you're my grandmother? 186 00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:21,278 No, no, no. No, I am your step-grandmother. 187 00:07:21,302 --> 00:07:23,417 I am your grandfather's Second wife. 188 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,078 Actually younger than joy. 189 00:07:25,101 --> 00:07:28,303 Which is quite a scandal, Really. 190 00:07:28,326 --> 00:07:31,399 - you really should have Called your mother. 191 00:07:31,422 --> 00:07:33,795 So she could have Prepared for your arrival. 192 00:07:33,818 --> 00:07:36,509 - I did call; I just Got nervous and I hung up. 193 00:07:36,532 --> 00:07:38,329 - oh! - oh! 194 00:07:38,352 --> 00:07:40,457 Oh. 195 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,789 - well, no worries. 196 00:07:43,812 --> 00:07:45,959 The important thing is, 197 00:07:45,982 --> 00:07:49,141 You should consider yourself At 'ome. 198 00:07:51,124 --> 00:07:53,909 - don't drop your hs, darling. 199 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,400 Oh, why can't the english Learn to speak. 200 00:07:56,423 --> 00:07:57,837 - you can't tell me What to say. 201 00:07:57,861 --> 00:07:59,849 You're not me real mum. - don't you be impertinent. 202 00:07:59,872 --> 00:08:03,489 - this is ridiculous. Both of you stop it. 203 00:08:03,512 --> 00:08:05,341 I'm joy. 204 00:08:05,363 --> 00:08:06,746 I'm your mother. 205 00:08:06,768 --> 00:08:10,290 - what? Wait, you're my mother? 206 00:08:10,313 --> 00:08:12,269 Why did you pretend That you weren't? 207 00:08:12,293 --> 00:08:14,345 - I panicked. 208 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:16,229 - and who shot me? 209 00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:17,825 - that was me too. 210 00:08:17,848 --> 00:08:19,293 But it was an accident. 211 00:08:19,316 --> 00:08:20,251 - she's right. 212 00:08:20,274 --> 00:08:21,592 Technically, The couch shot you. 213 00:08:21,615 --> 00:08:23,668 - yeah, maybe we should just Start at the beginning. 214 00:08:23,691 --> 00:08:24,722 You see, I was writing Love notes 215 00:08:24,745 --> 00:08:26,030 To a prisoner, As your mother. 216 00:08:26,053 --> 00:08:28,171 - are you all insane? 217 00:08:28,193 --> 00:08:30,150 - oh, good! The paramedics are here. 218 00:08:30,173 --> 00:08:31,682 - I'll follow you In my car. 219 00:08:31,706 --> 00:08:34,843 And trust me, things here Aren't as crazy as they seem. 220 00:08:34,867 --> 00:08:36,855 I brought A wee bag of ice 221 00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:39,112 For the wee 'un's leg. 222 00:08:40,773 --> 00:08:44,539 What? They're not Doing that anymore? 223 00:08:47,797 --> 00:08:49,530 - I just got off The phone with joy. 224 00:08:49,553 --> 00:08:50,999 She's still waiting To see owen, 225 00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:52,915 But the doctor says He's resting comfortably. 226 00:08:52,938 --> 00:08:55,246 - that's good. I have some good news too. 227 00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:56,906 It's against the law For parolees 228 00:08:56,929 --> 00:08:58,821 To leave the state They were incarcerated in. 229 00:08:58,845 --> 00:09:00,036 So gary can't leave Pennsylvania. 230 00:09:00,058 --> 00:09:03,281 - so he's far? Near? 231 00:09:05,741 --> 00:09:07,093 - it's the state To our right. 232 00:09:07,115 --> 00:09:08,496 - stage right? 233 00:09:09,989 --> 00:09:11,529 - oh, I bet that's The alarm guy. 234 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:13,352 Joy said he'd be by Around 11:00. 235 00:09:15,097 --> 00:09:17,117 - hi. Here to see joy scroggs. 236 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,150 - oh, you must be From the alarm company. 237 00:09:20,173 --> 00:09:21,779 - yes. 238 00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:23,184 May I come in? 239 00:09:23,207 --> 00:09:25,228 - well, joy's not here, But we live here too. 240 00:09:25,251 --> 00:09:27,463 And I guess we should still Get that alarm system, right? 241 00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:28,421 - yeah, I think so. 242 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:29,379 Can I get you something To drink 243 00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:30,527 While you check Out the house? 244 00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:33,593 - great, thanks. 245 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:34,743 - well, I see you staring, 246 00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:37,010 And, yes, I am television's Victoria chase. 247 00:09:37,033 --> 00:09:39,403 - hey, don't sell Your film work short. 248 00:09:39,427 --> 00:09:41,415 You were great as the outraged White congresswoman 249 00:09:41,438 --> 00:09:42,820 in madea goes to washington. 250 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,120 - oh. 251 00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:46,397 "Turn that music down! 252 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,886 We're trying to filibuster!" 253 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,976 "Hey, this is Reggie with the alarm company. 254 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:57,061 "I'm not gonna make it today, 255 00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:58,498 "So please call To reschedule. 256 00:09:58,521 --> 00:10:00,573 Thanks." 257 00:10:00,596 --> 00:10:01,626 - oh... Oh, my god. 258 00:10:01,649 --> 00:10:03,287 - and then I would have said, 259 00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,011 "Oh, it's just an honor Being nominated 260 00:10:05,034 --> 00:10:07,405 With all these Talented women. 261 00:10:07,428 --> 00:10:08,778 - I can't tell you How mad I am 262 00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:10,918 That you never got To make your speech. 263 00:10:10,941 --> 00:10:12,994 If I could kidnap everyone who Was in the audience that night 264 00:10:13,016 --> 00:10:16,219 And make them listen to it, I would. 265 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,933 - that is so sweet. 266 00:10:18,956 --> 00:10:20,274 - victoria. 267 00:10:20,297 --> 00:10:21,359 Can I see you In the kitchen, please? 268 00:10:21,382 --> 00:10:22,892 I need some help With the lemonade. 269 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:25,159 - well, we're kind of in The middle of something here. 270 00:10:25,182 --> 00:10:26,850 How hard is it To make lemonade? 271 00:10:26,873 --> 00:10:28,224 No, I mean, really... How hard is it? 272 00:10:28,246 --> 00:10:30,204 I seriously have no idea. 273 00:10:30,227 --> 00:10:31,661 - psst. 274 00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,005 - if I am any judge Of character, 275 00:10:37,028 --> 00:10:39,335 That guy is a winner. 276 00:10:39,359 --> 00:10:40,899 - that's not the alarm guy. 277 00:10:40,922 --> 00:10:43,390 I think that's gary... Crazed ex-con gary. 278 00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:44,571 - no, it can't be. 279 00:10:44,594 --> 00:10:47,540 No, he's not allowed To leave portland. 280 00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,776 - pennsylvania. 281 00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:53,831 - hey, whose creepy van Is parked out front? 282 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,427 - that's the convict's. We gotta run. 283 00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:57,779 - not a good idea. 284 00:11:11,798 --> 00:11:12,924 - I'm sorry. 285 00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:15,798 - have you been here Staring at me all night? 286 00:11:15,821 --> 00:11:17,458 - not all night. 287 00:11:17,481 --> 00:11:18,831 I went down To the maternity ward 288 00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:22,823 And stared at the babies until Security asked me to leave. 289 00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:25,058 Anyway, great news. 290 00:11:25,081 --> 00:11:26,175 You're buckshot free. 291 00:11:26,198 --> 00:11:28,154 - so I have the same amount Of buckshot 292 00:11:28,178 --> 00:11:29,847 As I had before I met you. 293 00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:32,241 - you'll probably laugh About that someday. 294 00:11:32,265 --> 00:11:33,775 I mean, if you want. 295 00:11:33,798 --> 00:11:35,466 If things work out. 296 00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:37,287 We could laugh about it Now, if you wish, 297 00:11:37,309 --> 00:11:39,394 Or we could just talk... I've got all day. 298 00:11:39,417 --> 00:11:42,364 - about that, um... 299 00:11:42,387 --> 00:11:45,077 You know that I had cold feet About coming to see you. 300 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,888 And then I started picturing What this woman might be like. 301 00:11:47,911 --> 00:11:49,164 And what you might Be like, and... 302 00:11:49,187 --> 00:11:51,495 And how we might have This life-changing, 303 00:11:51,518 --> 00:11:53,091 Cosmic connection. 304 00:11:53,114 --> 00:11:54,656 So a couple days ago, I told myself, 305 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,252 Just get on a plane And do it. 306 00:11:56,275 --> 00:11:58,424 What's the worst That could happen? 307 00:12:00,139 --> 00:12:02,798 - this wasn't how I pictured Our first meeting either. 308 00:12:02,821 --> 00:12:05,799 I mean, you're the closest Person in the world to me, 309 00:12:05,822 --> 00:12:07,109 Biologically. 310 00:12:07,132 --> 00:12:09,343 But we're complete strangers. 311 00:12:09,366 --> 00:12:11,546 It's just all So overwhelming. 312 00:12:11,569 --> 00:12:14,006 - maybe this was a mistake. 313 00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:16,400 I mean, you're uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable. 314 00:12:16,423 --> 00:12:18,124 - but that's the exact, Same relationship 315 00:12:18,147 --> 00:12:19,816 I have with my mother! 316 00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:21,796 We can build on this. 317 00:12:21,819 --> 00:12:24,158 - look, you seem like A really nice woman. 318 00:12:24,181 --> 00:12:27,766 But I think That we should say we met, 319 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,459 Mystery solved, 320 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,662 And get back To our regular lives. 321 00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:34,088 Or... My regular life 322 00:12:34,111 --> 00:12:37,761 And whatever that was going on Over at your house. 323 00:12:37,784 --> 00:12:41,082 - so... This is good-bye. 324 00:12:41,105 --> 00:12:43,305 - I think it's for the best. 325 00:12:46,948 --> 00:12:48,074 - so where's joy? 326 00:12:48,096 --> 00:12:50,309 - I don't know. Please don't kill us. 327 00:12:50,332 --> 00:12:51,714 - I'm not gonna kill anybody. 328 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:52,832 What gave you that idea? 329 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,810 - well, the reason You went to prison. 330 00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:57,110 Body parts. 331 00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:59,440 - auto body parts. 332 00:12:59,463 --> 00:13:00,494 I ran a ring of chop chops. 333 00:13:00,517 --> 00:13:01,899 I wrote that in my first Fan letter to you. 334 00:13:01,923 --> 00:13:04,102 - victoria doesn't read anything That's not about her. 335 00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:06,113 - I really don't. 336 00:13:06,136 --> 00:13:09,818 - look, I've done A little time myself. 337 00:13:09,841 --> 00:13:11,925 So one con to another, 338 00:13:11,948 --> 00:13:13,362 Forget joy. 339 00:13:13,385 --> 00:13:14,895 Why don't you just Go to a strip club, 340 00:13:14,917 --> 00:13:18,470 Like a real parolee? 341 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,705 That's an awesome idea. I'll give you all my singles. 342 00:13:20,727 --> 00:13:24,217 You can make it rain. 343 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,613 - I been waiting for this moment For too long. 344 00:13:26,636 --> 00:13:28,465 I'm gonna make her sorry She ruined my life. 345 00:13:28,487 --> 00:13:30,603 - she didn't ruin your life. 346 00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:32,104 I did. 347 00:13:32,127 --> 00:13:34,147 I'm the one who Wrote all those letters. 348 00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:36,191 I just used Her name and picture, 349 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,532 Because I'm a celebrity, 350 00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:40,023 And celebrities... Can't be Associated with prisoners, 351 00:13:40,046 --> 00:13:41,427 Unless they're Researching a role. 352 00:13:41,449 --> 00:13:43,886 And I never get those parts. 353 00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:46,760 Too glamorous. 354 00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,771 - you wrote all the letters? 355 00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:51,165 - yes, you see, I'm the one You're madly in love with. 356 00:13:51,189 --> 00:13:52,571 - no, you're not. 357 00:13:52,594 --> 00:13:54,455 I fell in love with joy, The girl from the picture. 358 00:13:54,478 --> 00:13:55,476 You're not even my type. 359 00:13:55,499 --> 00:13:56,530 - well, wait a minute! 360 00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:57,711 We're the same type... 361 00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:59,563 Gorgeous, willowy brunettes. 362 00:13:59,586 --> 00:14:01,511 And I wrote All those beautiful letters. 363 00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,874 - uh, you're not trying To win him over. 364 00:14:03,897 --> 00:14:05,427 - oh, yeah. 365 00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:11,567 - oh, it'll be all right. 366 00:14:11,591 --> 00:14:12,878 - you'll find someone new. 367 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:15,559 - the strip club Is open till 4:00. 368 00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,232 - what's going on here? 369 00:14:19,254 --> 00:14:21,370 - oh, joy, this is gary. 370 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,808 - oh, my god, it's you! 371 00:14:22,830 --> 00:14:24,405 But it's not you. 372 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:25,968 - this is the gary 373 00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:28,364 That we were afraid Was gonna kill me? 374 00:14:28,387 --> 00:14:29,322 Is he crying? 375 00:14:29,345 --> 00:14:31,013 - like brett favre 376 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:34,004 Retiring For the tenth time. 377 00:14:37,423 --> 00:14:38,643 - all these years, I've been imagining 378 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,592 How I was finally gonna Meet you and win you back. 379 00:14:40,615 --> 00:14:43,881 Or, you know, make you pay. 380 00:14:43,904 --> 00:14:45,701 This is not how I pictured it at all. 381 00:14:45,724 --> 00:14:47,681 - why does everything Have to be the way 382 00:14:47,704 --> 00:14:49,085 People bloody picture it? 383 00:14:49,107 --> 00:14:50,969 Life doesn't work that way! 384 00:14:50,992 --> 00:14:53,524 - boy, you got A temper on you. 385 00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:55,397 - you dodged a bullet. 386 00:14:57,857 --> 00:14:59,809 - I've got to get back To the hospital. 387 00:15:02,582 --> 00:15:03,804 - gary, you should Probably go too. 388 00:15:03,827 --> 00:15:06,455 Your parole officer's Probably worried sick. 389 00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:07,733 - you're right. No reason to stay here. 390 00:15:07,755 --> 00:15:09,711 - wait, gary... 391 00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:12,968 Uh... I can't help But feel responsible 392 00:15:12,991 --> 00:15:14,692 For what's Happened here today. 393 00:15:14,715 --> 00:15:16,033 So any time you're Feeling lonely, 394 00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:18,972 Please feel free To call this number. 395 00:15:18,994 --> 00:15:20,079 - susan lucci? 396 00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:27,549 - tell her I said hi. 397 00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:33,754 - so maybe this wasn't what Either one of us expected. 398 00:15:33,776 --> 00:15:34,807 How could it be? 399 00:15:34,830 --> 00:15:37,298 This is awkward and painful And messy, 400 00:15:37,321 --> 00:15:39,406 And no one pictures messy. 401 00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:41,736 But sometimes, if you're willing To work through the messy, 402 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,769 You end up getting To something good. 403 00:15:45,273 --> 00:15:47,994 That was it. The whole speech. 404 00:15:48,018 --> 00:15:49,592 Maybe I said it too fast. 405 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:53,679 The, "Hi, owen, We have to talk" was implied. 406 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,243 - okay. 407 00:15:55,266 --> 00:15:58,755 - okay is promising. 408 00:15:58,778 --> 00:16:00,734 - all right. 409 00:16:00,757 --> 00:16:01,714 Let's get messy. 410 00:16:06,952 --> 00:16:09,600 Um... Who's my dad? 411 00:16:11,836 --> 00:16:14,400 - a charming, lying, Handsome rat 412 00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:17,689 Who no girl could resist. 413 00:16:17,712 --> 00:16:18,998 My turn. 414 00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,275 Are you married? 415 00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:21,553 - divorced. 416 00:16:21,576 --> 00:16:23,980 - already? - big mess. 417 00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:25,000 - sorry. 418 00:16:25,024 --> 00:16:26,021 Kids? 419 00:16:26,045 --> 00:16:27,267 - you're not a grandmother. 420 00:16:27,291 --> 00:16:29,279 - oh, thank god. 421 00:16:29,302 --> 00:16:30,940 Oh, I mean, someday When I'm ready. 422 00:16:30,963 --> 00:16:34,228 I mean, when you're ready. 423 00:16:34,251 --> 00:16:36,495 - is there any baldness In the family? 424 00:16:36,518 --> 00:16:39,687 - no. Not among the men. 425 00:16:39,710 --> 00:16:42,359 So good for you, Bad for me. 426 00:16:43,926 --> 00:16:45,116 - what do you do? 427 00:16:45,139 --> 00:16:47,467 - I teach gun safety. 428 00:16:49,289 --> 00:16:51,343 I'm... I'm... I'm kidding. 429 00:16:51,365 --> 00:16:52,652 I'm an actuary. 430 00:16:52,674 --> 00:16:55,557 - oh, wow, an actuary. 431 00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:58,016 I have no idea What that is. 432 00:16:58,039 --> 00:16:59,580 - it's an insurance thing. 433 00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:00,602 Uh, how 'bout you? 434 00:17:00,625 --> 00:17:02,135 - oh, I convince celebrities 435 00:17:02,158 --> 00:17:04,306 That they're plucking Their eyebrows all wrong, 436 00:17:04,329 --> 00:17:06,062 And they pay me a fortune To do it right. 437 00:17:06,085 --> 00:17:08,393 - well, how are my brows? - oh, they're fine. 438 00:17:08,416 --> 00:17:09,606 You're grooming them All wrong. 439 00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,777 - really? - no. See how easy it is? 440 00:17:14,833 --> 00:17:17,716 Okay. Here comes the... The big one. 441 00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:20,941 Um... 442 00:17:20,964 --> 00:17:22,942 Why did you give me up? 443 00:17:24,891 --> 00:17:27,199 - well... 444 00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:29,881 For this moment... 445 00:17:29,904 --> 00:17:33,201 That someday, I would Meet you again. 446 00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:35,915 And you would be Well-raised and healthy 447 00:17:35,938 --> 00:17:38,310 And happy. 448 00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:40,470 And you might be my friend. 449 00:17:43,026 --> 00:17:44,653 - I'd like that. 450 00:17:55,128 --> 00:17:57,744 - also, that you might Take care of me in my old age. 451 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,447 - we'll see. 452 00:18:06,654 --> 00:18:07,973 - well, I, for one, Truly enjoyed 453 00:18:07,995 --> 00:18:09,601 bible stories Told through pets. 454 00:18:09,624 --> 00:18:11,836 Although I was a little confused About noah's ark. 455 00:18:11,859 --> 00:18:15,029 I mean, noah was a dog, But he had dogs. 456 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,849 Oh, wait a minute. 457 00:18:16,872 --> 00:18:19,626 Mickey mouse Had pluto as a pet, 458 00:18:19,649 --> 00:18:20,616 But goofy as a friend. 459 00:18:20,639 --> 00:18:21,673 So, yeah, makes sense. 460 00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:24,575 - why did every bird In that bloody show 461 00:18:24,599 --> 00:18:26,555 Pick me to crap on? 462 00:18:26,578 --> 00:18:27,960 - I don't think We should question 463 00:18:27,983 --> 00:18:31,408 The wisdom of the animals. 464 00:18:31,431 --> 00:18:33,834 - well, I am just so proud Of chance, our little star. 465 00:18:33,857 --> 00:18:36,167 - oh, stop trying To make me feel better. 466 00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:38,242 - oh, come on. He stole the show. 467 00:18:38,265 --> 00:18:40,976 - he stole the baby jesus. 468 00:18:45,129 --> 00:18:47,980 - come on, let's go inside And turn some water into wine. 469 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,640 - hey, this is the first time We're coming home 470 00:18:49,663 --> 00:18:51,013 To our new alarm system. 471 00:18:51,036 --> 00:18:53,216 Front door open. 472 00:18:53,239 --> 00:18:54,685 - hurry, you have 20 seconds To put in the code. 473 00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:55,771 - I forgot what we agreed on. 474 00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:57,622 Was it one of My kids' birthdays? 475 00:18:57,645 --> 00:18:59,410 - uh, no, I think it was The year I was born. 476 00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:01,964 - can't be... The code Has to be four numbers. 477 00:19:01,987 --> 00:19:04,551 Ten seconds to alarm. 478 00:19:04,573 --> 00:19:06,179 - oh, oh, maybe It's my goal weight! 479 00:19:06,202 --> 00:19:08,670 But is it my dream goal weight Or my realistic goal weight? 480 00:19:08,693 --> 00:19:11,224 - your goal weight Has four numbers in it? 481 00:19:11,247 --> 00:19:12,566 - there's a decimal point Involved. 482 00:19:12,589 --> 00:19:16,493 I remember! It was the year I was born. 483 00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:18,152 Code declined. 484 00:19:18,175 --> 00:19:20,292 - you lied about your age To the alarm? 485 00:19:20,315 --> 00:19:22,495 - well, I felt It was judging me. 486 00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:23,580 All right, Take 10 years off. 487 00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:24,697 No, 12. 488 00:19:24,721 --> 00:19:27,859 I was feeling Very vulnerable that day. 489 00:19:27,882 --> 00:19:29,423 Thank you, miss chase. 490 00:19:29,446 --> 00:19:32,967 You look gorgeous. 491 00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:34,309 It costs a little extra, 492 00:19:34,332 --> 00:19:36,352 But it makes me Feel more secure.